I grew
up in a traditional Brahmin family. The only child... and a girl. As I was
growing up, I had these fat aunties and gaunt uncles pulling my chubby cheeks
and asking, "Don’t you want a brother?” And to be honest, when I was 4, I
wanted one. Since I was made to believe that only a brother/husband will keep
me safe in this big bad world after my father's time is up. Note, after my
father's time is up. Not parents, not family, father. And, also, who is
going to take the family name forward, they’ll ask.
Let's journey back a little bit. When my mother was expecting me,
my father had wanted a boy. Don't be judgemental. No gender bias. My father is
just fond of boys. That's acceptable. And to his credit he was equally
overjoyed to have me instead! And he loves me immensely! I remember when I was
growing up, he would boast to his friends and colleagues, "She's not my
daughter, she's my son!" With his head held high and a proud smile on his
face. He also brought me up like one! He taught me all the cuss words and
introduced me to the joys of beer when I was 11. I started feeling like a boy.
I was thrilled with the idea of behaving like a man. But what am actually
indebted to my father for, is that he taught me self-defence. He taught me
never to be afraid of anything or anyone. And to be ready to beat the shit out
of any man who tried to misbehave with me, ever. And I still know those lessons,
by heart.
But at the end of all this, I was still tagged as the son, not a
head-strong independent daughter, but a "son".
This confuses me a little bit.
Even today, when I'm making a decent living, pretty much on my
own, I still want to fit into the shoes of that boy my father had expected in
my mother's belly 28 years ago. My achievements and accolades are boasted about
in the same manner as they used to happen when I was growing up! Things like,
"Why do we need a son, when we have such an illustrious daughter?",
or, "We've let her be, she decides, she chooses."
And all of this makes me wonder, will my parents be saying these things
if I had been a boy? "Why do we need a daughter, when we have such an
illustrious son?" A 27-year old boy will be expected to make his choices
and decisions, by default, right? But when a girl chooses and decides, why do
parents develop this defence mechanism with the society? Are they feeling
guilty, embarrassed, anti-social?
My cousin (male) bought his own house in Mumbai! Now, guys, that's
huge. He's the family hero! But when I share my concerns about being able to
afford a house here, why do people dismiss it by saying, "Oh, don't worry,
you'll get married and your husband will buy you one!" Why? Not that I can
afford one, but I still don't like being written off like that!
Let's journey back again. Brahmin family. The traditional thread
ceremony for boys happens when they're about to hit puberty. Ancient myth has
it that this is their initiation to learn sacred texts and Vedas. Girls are not
allowed to sit for Poojas on their
own (unmarried/divorced/widowed), even to this day, because they've not had
this initiation. I always found that ridiculous! Not that I have any desire to
sit for Poojas or recite
sacred chants without knowing their meanings. But I've seen my father sitting
for Shraddhas and finding it very
difficult to enunciate the Shlokas,
which I was rather good at. I even topped my class in Sanskrit in Class 10. Yet
I am not allowed to sit for these Poojas,
unless I get married, and then I can "accompany" my husband in these
rituals. Why?
All of this is coming from a girl, who really has never had
to face any real gender bias. I’ve not had to struggle at every step or prove
myself (gender-wise). I’ve had it pretty easy. Education was not a problem,
unlike this girl in my school, whose father actually calculated the cost of her
education v/s the return on investment, since she was anyway only going to get
married and cook and bear children. Everyone in my family was always clear that
I’d be allowed to study whatever and how-much-ever I wanted. I would be allowed
to choose my career. It’s also amazing how my parents are always so vocal about
how generously liberal they’ve been with me! I don’t know if it is defence
mechanism or if they’re trying to change the world. But what makes me wonder is
that why does it have to come up, ever, and only for girls? And did you notice,
when it comes to girls, families have to “allow” them to be free, to choose, to
make important decisions on their own. It’s a part of our lingo!
Having
said all of this, I also have to say that am greatly indebted to my parents for
letting me be. What would have happened if my family was not so liberal? Well,
I would have become Mallika Sherawat, I guess!
Hope you
noticed the contempt in my tone when I mentioned Mallika Sherawat. Now I am
slowly coming closer to unravelling this social conspiracy. We’ve all studied
about the “Divide and Rule” policy that the British rulers adopted to tear us
apart for their benefits. Don’t you see it! They’re doing the same with us,
sister! Segregating us based on our skin colour, skin quality, breast size, waistline,
hair (head/face/body/crotch!), eyes, height, weight, teeth, etc etc. We all are
meant to have it all. And, God forbid, if we don’t, then no man is ever going
to fall in love with us, we will never get good jobs, we will have no friends
and we will die alone! What does this do? Makes us hate each other. I do that
too.
Coming
back to Mallika. Why do I hate her? Because she is out there doing things that
is blasphemous according to societal norms. She’s living life on her terms (or
so I hope! But let’s not get into this whole new labyrinth of the movie
business and the mess.) So am taking a step back and analysing this mess. Basically,
the problem is very simple. The society mainly thinks of us as necessary evils,
because only we can produce children. Historically, across cultures, women are
nothing more than baby popping machines, unpaid servants and sex slaves. Thank
God for all the bra-burning, that has helped us come this far, don’t you think?
But are we really free? I don’t think so. As long as am “allowed” by some
unseen forces to do the things I want to do, I don’t think am really free! And
as long as am “not allowed” to visit Sabarimala/Haji
Ali, or to water the plants when am menstruating, or to have the right to
cremate the dead, I am not free.
When I
came to Mumbai and boarded the BEST bus for the first time I was pleasantly
surprised (and hugely relieved) to see a sizeable number of seats reserved for
ladies. So I plonked myself onto one. Then I looked around to see more seats
reserved for pregnant women/women with children, the elderly and the disabled.
That triggered it. Am I pregnant? Thank God, no. Am I holding a baby? Hell, no.
Am I old and weak? No. Am I physically/mentally challenged? Not quite! Then why
do I need this seat? Well, so that I am not groped! And the same applies to the
Local Trains in Mumbai. (Am not even going to talk about the Metro in Delhi!)
This is
the other conspiracy. Exclusion. Segregation. I know, a lot of us will argue
that there is no other way out! How many perverts are you going to watch out
for? How many gropers can one punch in a day? And, if you are from Mumbai, you’ll
know what peak-hours public transport looks like! So it’s only convenient to
hop into that Ladies coach every morning. Not that, it’s not an equally
challenging task, either! I’ve been pushed and shoved and even clawed by my
sisters too! But the point am trying to make, is that the society doesn’t want
to deal with us. If we are groped, we’ll be given a special compartment. If it’s
unsafe to travel at wee hours, they’ll tell our bosses to let us go early. If
we are raped, they’ll say we asked for it. We did not dress well, our conduct
was questionable and we did not abide by the societal norms. Period. It’s never
them, it’s always us! Men will be men, they’ll say. You have to watch out! How
convenient no?
But my
daft mind always wonders. Why can’t they, instead of asking us to be in Purdah and sit at home, empower us? Why
do they not give us self-defence classes in school, instead of shoving a “Do-s
and Don’t-s List for Girls” handcuff on our arms?
I try to
live by one principle in life, but most of the times I am not “allowed” to
follow it. It’s very simple. What for me, a woman, is wrong, is wrong for a man
too. And what for a man is right, is right for me too. But of course, it’s an
illusion, no? I may not have burnt any bras in my entire life. In fact I
constantly invest in them, looking for the best fit! And I don’t want to be
tagged a Feminist either. Because am not one! I don’t fight for these things. I
only meekly argue about these things with my small set of friends and
colleagues. Or rant about it on a blog. But I never fight. I have never even
signed a petition that remotely concerns these things! I may be angry. But am
not helpless. Thanks to the strength my bra-burning sisters have given me.
Thanks to those protests and rallies and petitions. I believe that I am an
equal and an able human being. And I want to do things that I want to do, and not
just the things that am allowed to do. All we have to do is believe! It’s all just
a conspiracy that we need to fight against! Simple.
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